by Anna Dillinger
“My body is changing – my feeling about my body is changing”
Pregnancy and birth are life-changing events. This is so clear that there is no need to write an article about it. And while the outside world sees the change primarily in the sudden existence of a new person (or more...) whose needs must be met, who, in the best case, are loved and cared for and who completely turn the previous dynamic on its head, changes naturally take place just as strongly in one's own physical area, not always so visible to everyone.
Firstly, there is the real change in the body: the uterus and stomach that have grown during pregnancy, changing hormones, the breasts, the pelvic floor, possible injuries in the vaginal or perineal area, perhaps a scar from a Caesarean section and/or etc. When something changes in our body – and then so quickly – we react to it: It can feel different; perhaps something we were used to before is no longer possible or a new feeling has arisen. And this is where it becomes very individual: how something feels to us is influenced on the one hand by what has changed in the body and in what way – but the apparently “same” change in the body feeling can still be noticed very differently by each individual and can also be assessed completely differently.
And this exciting phenomenon, or rather the feeling about one's own body, is also important for sexuality. A topic that is often discussed in the context of pregnancy and birth. Questions that are often discussed include: when can or "should" one have sex again? Does the first time having sex after giving birth hurt? How do I get the desire back? How do I reconcile having a child and my sex life? These are all exciting and legitimate questions, but I would like to take a step back and ask the question: "How can the feeling about one's own sexual body change after giving birth - and how do I deal with it?"
What we mean by our own "sexual body" is: How do I feel about sexuality? What is my relationship with my genitals? In what ways can I use my body to feel sexual arousal? In concrete terms, this means: What do I do with it when I have sex with myself or someone else? The use of our body tools has a significant impact on our experience: How I breathe, where I tense or relax, what movements I make, and how big or small, fast or slow they are: all of this together creates the horny feelings or other perceptions. A very important building block in sexual counseling - these are questions that I discuss and explore with every client, because they say a lot about their own sexual system and personal sexual biography, and thus form the basis for possible extensions and action steps.*
Every person has met themselves sexually in an individual way, everyone has different skills, different sensing abilities, preferences and "possibilities" for using their own body. (This is a fact that cannot be mentioned often enough: Many people believe that sexuality is something that is fixed and cannot be changed. No! Sexuality is learned and therefore something new can be learned throughout life). With this very different "sexual (body) set", a person then goes into pregnancy and experiences childbirth. The experiences and challenges that can arise are correspondingly diverse. In my work, I hear some topics particularly often. I have chosen one here because it comes up often, not because it is "the most important". Believe me, a) there is everything and b) everything, no matter how small or large, visible or invisible, can be enormously important to someone. And it should be!
Body parts can suddenly be "repurposed". If the breast was previously a sexually excitable body part and played a role in sex, it suddenly fulfills a completely new purpose when someone is breastfeeding and may also be particularly sensitive at the nipple. Of course, the body can then be on "hold" and busy enough with this "new use". The same can happen with the vagina or vulva, which may not be doing a new regular "thing" in the sense that it is, but through the birth (whether vaginal or not: even if a Caesarean section has no direct influence on the pelvic floor, it can still be indirectly affected) something completely new has been brought about by it and this too can change the feeling - be it respect or alienation - towards it. Such a feeling is often temporary and changes again. If that is not the case, or if there is fear in that direction, it is always a good starting point to take a look: what was it like before? Did you already have a stable relationship with your vagina, vulva, breasts, etc. and what was that like? Did you already know about your pelvic floor, or is it something new to you that you've only heard about since you started dealing with birth and pregnancy?
There are many ways and body therapy approaches to reconnect with your body in a sexual sense (or even to connect at all!). Generally speaking, it is mostly about getting (again) familiar with each other, getting to know your own gender and building a connection through all the senses. And this is easier to do by feeling your own body than through your head. A simple exercise is to consciously take a few minutes every day for a certain part of your body. The rule is: it is better to do it regularly for a short time than just once for a long time. What does this look like in concrete terms? Find a time that is suitable, for example after getting up, before going to sleep, or in the shower - or whenever it suits you. Now touch your vulva, the entrance to the vagina, your breasts or whatever you have chosen. Try it without judging, feel how it feels. Firstly for your fingers - but then also for the surface of the body part. There is no right or wrong for these few minutes. Once you've done it a few times, try playing around and varying it a bit: for example with speed or pressure. One time just move your fingers/hand – another time hold them still and move your whole body ON your hand or fingers. Try to breathe deeply into your stomach. You can also consciously smile while doing it, because yes, your body notices. The point of this exercise is to create new sensory connections. On the one hand, we can only (sexually) enjoy what is known to us (ergo: we have to get to know it and that just doesn't work with the mind!), and on the other hand, the sensory paths have to be followed over and over again so that we can then let them run their course with pleasure without even thinking about it. This exercise helps you do that.
In order to better sense the “inside” of your body and thus connect with the vagina, for example, all movements in which you are aware of your pelvis are good. This can mean rocking, swaying, circling your pelvis – and this can be done in various contexts. For example, when dancing. Or while sitting at your desk. If you know the yoga exercise cat-cow, this can help you: It’s about tilting your pelvis backwards and forwards and observing: How am I breathing? When am I breathing in? What am I feeling? Where is tension in the body and where is it not? For these and other self-awareness and sensation-strengthening exercises, guided accompaniment is a great idea, especially if it feels completely new or strange. But you can also experiment very well on your own – because ultimately you are the one who always has the best exercise tool with you, namely your own body.
About the author: Anna Dillinger, 35, is a sex educator and clinical Sexologist according to Sexocorporel and works in her practice and online with adults on sexual problems and questions
*The therapeutic concept behind it is called "Sexocorporel" and was developed by Jean-Yves Desjardins. More information can be found at www.sexocorporel.com.
