Unwanted visit after birth
"A new little person has been born. Everyone is happy. Love is in the air, empathetic family members and friends leave food outside the door without being asked - without ringing the bell. Everyone waits patiently until the little family contacts them and is ready for the first baby." This is more or less how we imagine a really nice postpartum period. But in reality it is usually different. In addition to their own many feelings, close and less close relatives (including mothers-in-law) sometimes also communicate their own needs and want to see the baby, hold it, cuddle it or go for a walk with it. And quickly!
How can I set boundaries for my mother-in-law during the postpartum period?
For many parents, this also means dealing with intrusive comments, dealing with demands from the family and setting your own boundaries - and sticking to them. However, we know that this is often easier said than done. As social beings, we find it difficult to set boundaries between ourselves and others, which can trigger unpleasant feelings and fears. We don't want to hurt anyone and we don't want to be hurt ourselves - that's completely clear. So that you don't end up suffering mental injuries from all the boundary violations and "people pleasing", we want to encourage you to first formulate your boundaries for yourself and then, in a second step, see how you can maintain them.
For the second step, here is an important message: we always think it's great to know that it's not your job to control other people's reactions and behavior. Because that's not possible. What you can do very well, however, is to focus on yourself and your actions, words and feelings. And that's what it's about now.
Your boundaries!
Sometimes avoidance helps - during the postpartum period this often means that you don't receive any visitors at all. Perhaps you already have this feeling now during your pregnancy and you would prefer not to tell your relatives that you are pregnant - or at least not to tell them the due date or to be a little less specific. But if everything has been communicated in detail and the first requests for visits start pouring in from week 30, here are a few ideas for the big limit: not receiving any visitors at all.
Before birth
You can always say, "We'll get in touch when we and the baby are ready. That could be after three hours, three days, three weeks, or three months." This avoids the problem of having to give specific details.
After birth
A good tip for the first time after the birth: change your messenger status or profile picture - with information about when visitors are welcome or reactions to messages can be expected. Or: your partner takes the baby for a walk and invites your mother-in-law or other relatives who you don't want in the apartment for the time being.
For more persistent visit requests
Here you can, for example, involve your midwife, a doula or the gynecologist (after prior agreement): "My midwife said that the visit will have to wait a little longer for reasons X, Y and Z. We will let you know as soon as that changes." Or if none of that helps: put your cell phone on silent and deactivate the doorbell until you are ready to receive guests again.
Keep your boundaries and enforce rules
If the visit does come, you can set rules and focus on things that you can control yourself:
You don't want others to take the baby? Put it in the carrier!
Carry your baby in a sling or carrier if you do not want him or her to be touched.
You can read more tips in our postpartum app. Download it here for free.
Very important at the end: A NO is reasonable
For the inner critic in you, here's a general reminder: It is reasonable to say no. Your parents, in-laws, siblings, friends, uncles and aunts and all the other people who do not respect your boundaries on their own must understand that a no may be uncomfortable, not meet expectations or may be a little painful. But all of this is reasonable and bearable for these people. It is not your responsibility to ensure that those around you feel good.
Photo credit: Leah Kunz
