Linda Rasumowsky is a psychotherapist in Switzerland and specializes in mental health issues related to the birth of a child and parenthood. She is herself a mother of three children and is talking to us today about feelings that are rarely discussed after giving birth, but are completely OK: anger, sadness and helplessness.
Dear Linda, thank you for taking the time to talk to us about the different feelings you have during the postpartum period. You have two children of your own and are currently pregnant with your third. Can you still remember your own feelings during the postpartum period?
Linda: I remember the intensity of the feelings above all. The fact that I felt a lot and strongly overall and that I was also a kind of overwhelmed or overstimulated by being constantly involved. There are often no breaks. At the same time, I felt a need for help. For example, I needed support with looking after the baby or cooking, and I hadn't experienced that in my adult life. Alongside these rather difficult feelings, there was also a strong joy, almost euphoria about these children. So many feelings at the same time.
Oh yes, we can still remember that too - that feeling of almost going crazy with joy. And also feelings like melancholy, anger, loneliness, sadness and fear that we didn't necessarily expect. Probably because we simply didn't know that these feelings existed after birth. Why do you think so little is said about these other feelings, especially among mothers?
I believe that we have a rather one-sided image of motherhood, which is primarily shaped by society: the happy, radiant, grateful mother. There is no room for anything else. Accordingly, we are given expectations about the postpartum period, namely that everything will be rosy. In films, in stories, in advertising. But reality often does not match these expectations, and that is when things get difficult. Difficult because mothers in particular quickly get the feeling that something is wrong with them and that they are possibly the only mother who feels this way. This sometimes even triggers a kind of vicious circle - because the mother who thinks that she is the only one with these difficult feelings does not talk about it. And so reinforces the taboo.
That's why a big motivation for my work is that we talk about it more. That it becomes more normal to talk about difficult feelings and to name them. By the way, I like to say "difficult feelings", not necessarily negative feelings. Negative is such a strong assessment, but these feelings can also be positive because they send me signals about what might be missing or where my needs are not being met well.
Thank you for this important impulse. We now want to discuss three of these difficult feelings in more detail. And we'll start with anger. Because, in our view, anger is one of the feelings that really has no place in the context of motherhood. If we now understand difficult feelings as warning signals, why are people angry in the postpartum period? What does that indicate?
In fact, anger is more stigmatized in women than in men. And the angry mother is actually a step further, which many people find hard to accept. Anger is an important and strong signal that something is wrong. For example, that basic physical or psychological needs are not being met very well. Of course, we can put up with a lot for a while and be tired for a certain period of time or have less variety in our everyday lives. But if this continues for too long and we do not feel seen and understood, perhaps we are physically unwell because we are not drinking, eating or sleeping enough and we do not feel that we can change anything without support, so our sense of self-efficacy suffers, then anger sets in. Or when boundaries are crossed or we simply cannot maintain our own personal boundaries well because perhaps there is not enough energy for it or we lack the strategies to do so. In the postpartum period, this is typically the unannounced visitor who wants to be entertained and does not leave. If we lack coping strategies, communication skills, support or simply the strength, then these are situations in which we cannot protect our personal space - which can lead to angry feelings.
But it can also be the case that other feelings cannot be processed in a helpful way, for example loneliness. When we feel lonely but are unable to deal with it well. For example, our partner comes home in the evening and happily tells us about the interesting lunch they had with their colleagues. In these situations, unprocessed and ignored loneliness can easily explode into anger. Because something is being neglected and the perhaps avoided feeling is not given the space it might need to be dealt with well. Of course, every feeling of anger is individual, but in general, in the context of anger, it is important to pay attention to your own needs, to listen to them, and to meet them.
In addition to anger, many parents actually feel sadness and miss their old life. Or maybe they miss something that they thought would happen: for example, being completely absorbed in their role as a mother. How common is this feeling? And how do you think you can deal with this feeling of missing someone?
Having a child is a huge life change. And it is often necessary to change the strategies for meeting your own needs. For example, the feeling of belonging through going out to eat with friends or relaxing through sport. Integrating these strategies for meeting your own needs into your new everyday life is either challenged or disappears completely, at least for a short time. Sadness is almost to be expected, because I can't do something that I really enjoy right now. The fact that sadness arises here can be very healthy for the process of adjusting to the new role and is not at all a sign that something is wrong.
But of course that doesn't mean that you have to be sad. How strong this feeling is also depends on what life was like before the first child. And how well the new life as a parent fits your own needs. Because of course there are people who are completely absorbed in looking after a little person.
And for others, it is a total loss of autonomy. But this is also something that is rarely discussed: When I look at this topic with my clients, they are often astonished. That you can be sad, even though there is now a wonderful new baby that you should be happy about. But both are possible, even at the same time! We can be happy about a child and still be sad about loss.
A third feeling we want to talk about is helplessness. This can occur during the first crying fit, when there comes that one moment when the child cries and nothing helps. You change the diaper, you breastfeed it. You do everything. And the child just keeps crying, it's complete madness. Or another situation: Maybe someone is coming to visit and you don't really want them to come - but in the vulnerable situation of the postpartum period you are not in a position to say anything, to assert yourself. What advice do you have for parents who experience this feeling of helplessness in the context of the postpartum period?
Yes, exactly, there is so much that can make you feel helpless in the early days, and it is usually a very unpleasant feeling at first. From a psychological point of view, it is mostly about accepting the feeling and not dismissing it as negative. Having compassion for yourself and trying to look after yourself - as you might do if someone else felt helpless. But of course that is easier said than done. Because in reality it doesn't always go smoothly, especially in situations of change - and the postpartum period is definitely that.
Because helplessness is often accompanied by the feeling that I cannot really help myself, one strategy here can be to step away from reality a little. For example, imagine that you have one wish, as if a fairy were to come or a miracle were to happen. Even if the wish formulated in this way cannot always be implemented immediately and completely, it is still a way of opening up the spectrum of needs and stepping outside the constraints of the current stressful situation. It can be a clue as to what would do us good at the moment. And from the wish, we can perhaps derive smaller steps that can be implemented and bring us closer to fulfilling our own needs.
At its core, your work is about focusing on the needs of mothers and fathers - something that is often neglected given today's often needs-oriented parenting methods. Because needs-oriented is often understood to mean that it is only about the needs of the child. But it is also about respecting, protecting and, if possible, fulfilling your own needs. Why is that so important in your view?
Yes, it's actually quite simple: because our mental health is closely linked to the fulfillment of our own basic psychological needs. And of course we are flexible to a certain extent - but we can't do without everything for a long time. That's why it can be so worthwhile to keep an eye on your own needs, ideally even without acute stress. Because then we have many more options and resources to pay attention to our basic psychological needs.
That's why it can be worthwhile to get to know your own needs before giving birth, for example. If I know before the birth which things are particularly important to me, I can already think of strategies for how I can meet these needs even with a small baby. Because the postpartum period is simply a very challenging time for mental health. It is not for nothing that the time around birth is associated with the highest risk of a woman suffering from or becoming ill with a mental illness. And I think it can be very worthwhile to work preventively and really deal with the issue.
Thank you for the open conversation, Linda!
Linda Rasumowsky also supports mothers, fathers and couples online. You can find her services at mentalwellmom.com.
